Sex educator and author says that although romance novels, porn, role play and lingerie are all great ways to spice up your sex life, they usually aren’t enough.
Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and New York Times award-winning author, recently told the Better section of nbcnews.com that no matter how much you’re trying to pump the sexual accelerator, chronic stress from daily routines like work, childcare, and less sleep can put the brakes on your sex drive.
“Stress is a survival mechanism to help you when your body is sending you signals that say you are not safe right now,” Nagoski said, “and if you’re not safe right now, is that a good moment to be having sex?”
Here are four techniques Nagoski suggested that couples can do to help get their sex lives revved up again:
Schedule Time For Sex
Nagoski said that Couples who stay in long-term, happy relationships usually prioritize sex, and even put it on their calendars. So instead of thinking that scheduling your sex time is not very romantic, Nagoski asks, “..is there anything we do in our lives that’s important to us that we don’t schedule?”
Don’t “Chase” After Sex
Sometimes when one partner wants sex, the other just isn’t in the mood. But Nagoski says sex it isn’t about a desire for pleasure, it’s about a need for intimacy. So if your sex partner isn’t interested when you are, chances are they are really just too stressed out or exhausted.
So if your relationship lacks sex, the worst thing you can do is to chase it. Chasing after sex will probably only just increase their stress.
Don’t Focus So Much On Sex
Don’t make sex the goal, focus on building intimacy. Try to agree that you and your partner will go without having sex for a certain period. When the pressure for sex is off you’ll have space to be more intimate in other ways, like cuddling and kissing, which can reduce your stress levels and get you both in the mood to having sex again.
Considering Visiting A Sex Therapist
Nagoski said while that couples who have a strong friendship should be able to more easily do these exercises to rebuild their intimacy, some couples can find it more difficult, “My first recommendation is always to find a sex therapist, because we are all so tender and sensitive around sexuality, and it can be difficult to talk with each other about it in a way that is never blaming and never hurtful.”
Emily Nagosky’s mission in life is to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies.